Still going forward...

So sometimes he asks me questions.  Like "what are you thinking about?"   I honestly answer him every time.  There's a good portion of my day that goes by that I think about him so when he asks that and I tell him i'm thinking of him he gives a weird responses.

Tonight twice i sent him some screen shots and he responded well to both.   It makes me feel nice when i get a good response from him.  Progress.  He sent a text regarding titanic and how there needs to be a sequel and that he needs to come back as a zombie.   So i told him that I love zombie movies but that was a horrible idea.  So he said that I'm horrible.  And I said "I am?"  and he said yes.  So i sent a screen shot of a thing that said

 and he laughed and said "so true."  

Then later in the night he sent a random message and we're having crappy weather in buffalo right now and he said snow slowed his travel.  also, i forgot he went home for christmas so he's still there.  Well after the message of the weather he asked if everything was ok with me.  I told him yes, and that i was just thinking of him and was looking forward to seeing him when he comes back.  His reply...   UGH.  Right away i was a tiny bit hurt and regretted saying that.  We haven't gotten to a point where we talk about feelings.  We're not official.  I can't yet.  And i refuse to go official just yet.  Although the only thing that needs to be done for us to be official is just to talk about it and probably see each other more.  We got the date thing down.  Ok so back to the story of him saying UGH.  I said "why UGH?" and he responded with "Being cute is my thing, and you're doing it better than me."  HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!!!

My College Best Friend.. She deserved capital letters.

So because my birthday is so late in the year (12/20) my entire first semester in college i was 17 years old.  We gotta back track a little into the summers of high school.  I was in a local marching band that brought schools in the area together for the erie county fair.  And i did it all four years and my mother hated driving me to it but would brag to everyone about it.  Anyway.   I made a friend Nikki in that marching band and we both went to UB for college.  When i got to my dorm and finally started figuring some stuff out and found nikki she told me I should join marching band.  I wasn't too keen on it.  So she invited me to one party and i liked everyone so i joined.  UNFORTUNATELY, the only instrument i had was a flute.  Originally i wanted to play Tenor Sax but they didn't have instruments to borrow and even then the flute that i had was borrowed for concert band so i joined the flutes.

In the flute section at my first practice i met Jessica and she was the section leader and her best friend Ang.  Ang is also my younger sisters name.  At my second practice they quizzed me to see if i remembered their names.  I said yes and told Ang why i remembered her name.  After some time we started hanging out.  I don't even remember what prompted us to hang out but all of a sudden i remember talking to her every single day and she quickly became my bestest bestie.  Turns out we had a bunch in common.  Her birthday is 12/23 so we celebrated our birthdays together.  Once I took her home to my family and she was looking through an album my sister had made for me of all my pictures growing up.  There was a picture of me when i was four during halloween with this giant inflatable head that was green and the costume said "kooky spook."  She starts laughing hysterically.  She said her and her brother wore that except he was the green one and she was the black one.  It just so happened that my cousin Laurie was the black to my green that year.  And we also later found out that her dog shared the same name as my older brother, Woodrow.

We met the August of 1999 and are still friends to this day.  We don't talk as much but this year she wished me happy birthday and i did her too and i don't think i've ever written about her.  We went through a lot.  For how long we've known each other i don't think we've even ever had a fight over anything ever.  I know i posted later than i wanted but i did it.

Things are going well.

Things with Nate are going well.  For christmas i got him some things. and for my birthday which was just a few days ago he got me some gift certificates.   I think since we started getting to know each other this close to christmas that i wasn't going to get him anything good.   I got him a bracelet which he liked, i made him a scarf which i like to do for people and he loved that.  He takes a ton of selfies on snapchat wearing it in different spots cuz he's weird like that.  and I got him some soaps from Lush in the mall.  Well.  I got him some lip scrub from Lush and i got a body conditioner and a bar of soap for both of us to use, and i did get a third bar of soap but he didn't like it.  I, on the other hand, LOVED IT.  It's called baked alaska and it's the seasonal soap right now.  So i took it home.  It gives my skin a slight citrusy smell.  kinda like a i peeled oranges and lemons a couple hours ago.  The bracelet is the same one that I have except the one that i have has silver clasps and his are silver except they're black.  We're still not officially anything yet but we're not nothing.  And no rush.  And tonight i'll write about my college best friend since today is her birthday.

this is the bracelet i got him.... 

And this is my bracelet...

And this is the body conditioner i can't wait to try...

spending money.

So if you know me  you know I like to spend money.  And most of the time on something I don't need or something that I could use but it's not a necessity.  Well from buying a new tv and a new laptop I got two $5 gift certificates from best buy.  And what did I do with those?  I bought a new IPod.  So they give me 10 bucks and I spent another 180 cuz I bought the iPod and you can't buy an iPod without buying a case.  The last thing I might do is on Sunday there's Trans Siberian Orchestra and I've always wanted to see it.  I might say fuck everyone and go by myself.   BTW Sunday is my birthday and I can do whatever I want.  And, since Nate likes to be cryptic won't tell me when he's going home.  So I think i'm going to be giving him his Christmas gifts that night.  So far this week I've been there three nights.  Which is cool, I dig it.  Although last night I couldn't sleep and he normally has crazy sleep patterns but when i'm there he sleeps like a log.  Last time I mentioned that to him he said had a better day at work and could get addicted to days like that.  Last night though I couldn't get to sleep and he was passed out so I was playing on Instagram and snapchat for a while.

Nnow the only thing that I have to do today is go to the gym.  I don't think i'm seeing him tonight but he's in charge of that. 

After doing my inventory I see things around me that I unintentionally do a lot.  It's funny because sometimes these things are pointed out by anyone.  Like the other night I went over to Nate's and he said he was hungry and since I was feeling a lot of guilt over doing something that made him feel bad I kept offering to go get us food.  Finally he asked why I was doing that I told him because I felt guilty.  And he told me not to do things for him out of guilt.  Turns out I do that a lot with my mom and doing things because I've felt guilt for when I was still drinking.  Going from my last homegroup to this homegroup it's two totally different worlds.  There's some stuff that I carried over that they like (like my level of commitment to things I say i'll do), and putting newcomers first (although that needs some tweaking).   All the stuff that I've lacked up until the point isn't going to get fixed in a month or two.  But I am moving forward and that's what I wanted.  I felt as though I wasn't growing spiritually at my other group.   Just like my former sponsors, that group took me as far as they could and I needed to move on. 

Lastly, I enjoyed star wars.  After Nate and I watched it we went to a diner and got food, then went back to his place. 

Birds, Gym, and some guy stuff...

Let's start with the new pets.  I had a bird cage for them and i thought it was huge.  Seeing them in there doesn't really look that huge.  So of course I went big and got them a bigger cage on Ebay.  Ideally that'd be here before the week is up coming from Cali.

I finished the loading phase of creatine and now i'm just on maintenance.  It's so gross taking it.  Even though it says it's unflavored it tastes almost medicinal.  Or almost like an aspirin.  But already i noticed the difference when i'm working out.  i can lift heavier and with all the sups i'm taking to help out my working out there's definitely a difference.  Also, i did a Sea Salt water cleanse.   I didn't notice much of a difference physically.  I know it's good to do that but i think i expected more.  The link will take you to the site i used.  The first time i did it was in the morning but Nate spent the night that night at my apartment so i was up til like 3 eating chinese food and had to get up at 8 so i guess it wasn't on a total empty stomach.  And the directions say it takes about half an hour but it took an hour and a half.   I did it again this morning on an actual empty stomach and 25 minutes later it worked and A LOT better.  You get the idea.

So Nate's sewer might have backed up in his basement and his apartment the other night smelled like sewage.   Last week when i was there it kinda smelled but it was really light so it didn't bother me.  He just closed all the vents.  So Saturday night he was going to a party we don't see each other when he drinks.  Well that night the sewer smell was really bad at his place so i offered to drive to get him.  We stopped at wegmans and got chinese (wegmans chinese sucks), and came back to my place.   MOFO sleeps dead center in the middle of the bed.  His bed is a queen size so if i want to move away from him (if he gets too warm or i get cold) i can.  Not in my bed i was stuck although my bed is a lot more comfortable than his.  So the original plan for Thursday to see star wars was that he and I were going to see it together.  I messaged him last night to let him know the time and place and he said he couldn't go.  He normally plays volleyball on thursday nights.  So i told him it was fine (although i did really want to go with him).  He then said nevermind he was gonna go to the movie.  I told him colleen would probably go and he asked if i was trying to reneg on our date.  OUR DATE!  That was the second reference to us dating.  The first was him asking what i was doing for work the other night and i told him i was doing a catering thing at Buff State and he said "oh man i'm like will and grace.  Dating a cater waiter."  Everything is still unofficial.   We're not exactly moving forward but definitely not moving backwards.  I'm STILL not trying to force a relationship with him before my 7th step.  But then i just finished 5 yesterday so on that front i'm definitely moving forward.

I think that's it for update time.  I'm off to the gym...

I'm actually keeping up on this.

I don't know how long this is going to last writing in here semi-regularly but i'm trying.  Not too much has been going on.   I got yet another reminder (spiritually or cosmically) to slow down my rushing to be in a relationship.  In all seriousness it IS something I need to learn to do.  So I might get to see him today, and I might not.  This time away though is good.  I have things i have to get done.  I've been going to the gym regularly again.  I'm finishing my fourth step to get ready for five i think sunday.  When he and i first starting hanging out i weighed 212.  I went up to 219 and even one day weighed 222.   As of this morning i'm back at 212.  THANK FUCKING GOD.   I'm ok gaining weight if it's muscle or healthy.  This was unhealthy weight i put on.  Oh and I did end up getting my parakeets.  I got two.  One is almost all white with a touch of baby blue on his underside and I named him Glenn.  And the bitchy one that bit me and wouldn't let go is almost all yellow with a touch of green on her underside and i named her Olive.  Blair said Glenn Coco and Olive Oil.  haha.  But today i'm giving a shot at catering.  I met a woman at a book study and she offered it to me.  I jumped on it.  I love serving.  I was told this is nothing compared to restaurant serving.  I don't have to remember anything.

So all in all i'm still doing ok.  My birthday is coming, Christmas is coming, and Star Wars is coming.   Nate will be my movie date that night.  It kinda made me a little weird.  We went to see the hunger games the other night and he sat pretty (uncomfortably) far away from me.  I told him last night i wanted to hold his hand during the movie and he said he doesn't do pda.  He asked if i do.  And i told him not kissing or holding hands where people can see but out of sight i like to.  Then when the conversation starts to get uncomfortable i change the subject.

I'm on episode two of Star Wars.  I'll be starting episode three tonight.  Anakin was a smooth mother fucker in some of episode two.   And some of it he was creepy.  When he started rubbing her arm that made my skin crawl.  Mostly because she gave no indication if it was ok or not.  But what got me was when he said she was exactly the way he remembers her in his dreams i'm like whoa really.  I'll post more later.  I gotta get ready for work.

I just now realized i double posted.

I posted two similar things.  I still have the same mindset i just didn't realize i had already put it into words.  Posting these lately.  I don't know what it is about getting things out that helps me not be crazy about them.  I know if i were physically writing an inventory like i have been doing for my fourth step is you get to see things right in front of you and stuff just kind of comes out. Right now I've been up for about an hour and i usually wouldn't get up but i'm being productive today.  I told Nate that I wanted to get the parakeet and he actually used to have a blue one named ocean.  So he liked the idea of me getting a bird although he hasn't been to my apartment yet.  I have a feeling he has anxiety with people.  So that's my day.  Doing some service for people and being helpful later tonight. And going to buy my new bird bestie.  Oh and i gotta hit the gym.  I'll write about the bird and hopefully post some pictures later.  And i still gotta get caught up with star wars.  I got five movies to watch before next Thursday.

I think it's time for a new pet...

I was gonna start this with a story of when i was in college but completely forgot my mom had parakeets when we were kids.  I don't even remember their names anymore.  In college, i told my roommates we had birds as a kid and they got me one for christmas.  I named him Petey.  He was your typical blue parakeet.  He ended up dying because he landed on my roommates bunny cage and that bunny bit off one of his toes.  So I ended up getting a second bird and her name was Josie.  She was very pretty.  She was mostly white with hints of purple.  Same thing happened to her with the bunny cage.  i took it as a sign.   I've been thinking for a while now that I'd like to get birds again.  And i just watched a couple youtube videos and I think i'm finally ready.  One of the jobs i was working over the summer had a bird cage and since it was junk asked if i could take it and i was told i could.  So that's the point i started thinking about getting birds again. So tonight I googled a few things and youtubed a little and i do think it's time.  I wanted to get two birds.  And originally i was going to get two right away.   I read that if you do want two to get just one first.  Getting just one alone the bird will start to bond with you and think of you as part of a flock.  And will eventually teach a second bird that too.  If you were to get them together they would rather rely on each other than their master human.  And i've already had some names picked out.  Fenton, Brandshaw, Lorenzo, and Trevor.  I should probably think of some girl names too.  But I don't think i'd wanna have them mate.  So maybe one male parakeet now and one later down the road.  Seeing as i'm laid off from work now i have the time to put into bonding with this bird and when i go back to work a second bird would work perfectly so that he won't get lonely.  I think on Wednesday i'm gonna go get him.  wish me luck.

Relationship status: I don't even know...

Yes i have had profiles on dating sites.  And even not having facebook i know that one option for a relationship status is "it's complicated."  But with this passed weekend I don't even know.  Saying "It's complicated" would imply there's actually a relationship.  The last talk Nate and I had a few weeks ago was that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other.  Since then there was one night that we hung out and it was just friendly.  We watched tv.  Which is pretty much what i needed.  I needed to get the uncomfortable feeling to go away.  If he hadn't invited me over that night to watch tv and eat with him i probably would have done what i normally do.  Been really distant with conversations and eventually just stopped answering.  A few days passed since that point and he invited me over again and this time "stuff " happened.  I think what's happening now is we're getting to know each other.  I enjoy that.  Some of the things he does for me is he takes away my insecurities.  He does it without even trying.  Physically I've always been insecure.  The crazy thing is the part of me i don't want him to touch is the first part he seems to enjoy the most.  When i get dressed/undressed in front of him he looks at me like he's enjoying the show and gives me a MMM every time.  He's not the kind of guy you would ever really think is gay.  It's just the way he looks at me.  Plus, he's smokin hot.  HELLOOOOO.  His cuddle game is still on point.

So this weekend I ended up spending both Friday and Saturday nights with him.  Saturday i had something to do but Sunday didn't have anything to do til 7 at night.  We laid in his bed all day.  At one point he got up to have a bowl of cereal and came back to bed.  He passed out on my chest and i watched a movie on my laptop while he napped.

We haven't had "the talk" yet about where we're heading.  And i'm not even sure we are heading anywhere.  Maybe we're just two singe gay men enjoying each others company.  I enjoy his company very much.  I'm trying my best to heed my sponsors direction of not being in a relationship until after I've finished my 7th step so i'm not exactly in any rush to put a definition on the relationship we have.  But i'm absolutely sure there's potential.  His decision for us to not see each other happened for a reason, and it's giving us the time we need.  I've been praying for help with this too.  (i didn't forget to do that)

Two things I've been told since the beginning of my sobriety:
-Everything happens for a reason.
-I'm exactly where I should be.

I have a pretty strong feeling this won't be the last time i write about a guy in here.

OK so this goes back a few days.  Thanksgiving weekend Nate says he's gonna be home til Sunday night, which made me kind of sad but whatevs.  I'm going to do my best not to get into the real descriptive details.  So Saturday night/Sunday morning 1 AM.  I'm getting ready to  lay down although i wasn't tired.  At 130 i get a snapchat from Nate.  I turn into a giddy little school girl when he sends them sometimes.  It just means i crossed his mind.  So he sends a snap of him watching charmed so i replied with "i love charmed."  he says you're welcome to come watch.  I was a little confused thinking he was fucking with me since he's supposed to be at his parents.   NOPE.  he came home early and had drank at some point during that day and was home watching charmed.  I told him I'd be there in 15 minutes.

So I'm about halfway to his apartment and he sends me a text saying "btw I'm not wearing pants."  

In all honesty, yes i was hoping something would/could happen but in reality never really expected it to happen.  I'm parking my car and he sends it a second time.  i replied with "that's fine, not like I've never seen you in your underwear before."  sure enough he answers the door in them and a t-shirt.  

To give a little visual of him he likes to be athletic, plays sports, works out so he has a nice frame and he's about two inches taller than I am and weighs about 225.  Not solid solid muscle but definitely muscular.  

So when we walk in he walks over to his bed and climbs into the sheets.  after about half an hour asks me why I'm still wearing clothes to which i replied "i have no idea."  And got down to shorts and a tshirt.  in the half hour before that he kept inching closer and closer and would stop and stare at me and made a few excuses to touch my skin.  I'm still at this point thinking nothing is going to happen.  Well he finally puts his back against me and i felt comfortable putting my arm over him.  I rubbed his back for a minute then he rolls on his stomach and pulls off his shirt so i straddle him to rub his back and he asks if I'm still wearing my shirt.  i said ummm, yeah.  to which he replies "take it off."  

It was all downhill from there.  though some notable things that happened were that his face was buried in the bed under my arm pit and i seriously don't think he meant for me to hear it.  He said "I missed this,"  which was really muffled and really low.  i whispered to him "me too."  And at one point mid-stuff he would just stop and stare at me and smile and tell me how sexy i am, and how hot i am.  

The next morning he says "we broke some rules, mister."  to which i said "we did?"  He will sometimes smoke a cigarette in his bathroom.   I realized he was in there smoking a cigarette and pooping.  haha.   Well after the bathroom is when he came out and said that to me, which was then followed by him crawling back into bed with me and round 3.  then we just cuddled and layed in bed til 3 Sunday afternoon.  At 230 I told him i was going to leave at 3 and that's when he got extra cuddly and affectionate.  

When it comes to him physically i think he's hot AF.  And i think he thinks the same of me and might be a touch intimidated by it or just has low self esteem.  It's funny sometimes the way he communicates with youtube clips and screen shots of memes.  We were talking one night about he and I and he sent me a youtube clip of that part in Bambi when the girl bunny touches thumper and he taps his foot fast.   That's how he told me he felt.  cutest thing EVER.  He's smooth sometimes.  

So this yet again leaves me in the dark as to what my relationship status is.  To say "its complicated" would imply that there might be something.  I'd rather label it as "i don't know"  because i really have no clue.  And I'm actually ok with that.   Nate and I haven't had much time to actually get to know each other.  Sex is sex but that doesn't make or hold together a relationship.  So what i seem to have on my hands is a guy that does like me but doesn't want to hurt me.  And like Ten-nia and I were discussing there's a part of me that wants to be the one that can complete him, and the other part that tells me that he and i in a relationship won't be permanent.  But last night Taylor quoted PINK of all people saying " just bc it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die."  And I agree.  I'd rather try and fail than regret having never tried.  

Today I'm ok with him and where we are.  I didn't pay heed to what my sponsor said that I should wait until after I've taken my 7th step to be in a relationship.  And it was crazy because a few days before Nate and I ended i was telling someone that I hoped Nate wasn't there to teach me a spiritual lesson (surrender to sponsors direction).  But this is all happening while writing an inventory.  Same as when i wrote it before with Matt.  The worst of my experience with Matt was happening the last time i was writing my fourth step.  

And lastly i forgot to say what the two rules that we broke.  The first rule was that neither of us are on medication yet for each others safety.  Not that we did anything that could've put either of us in danger.  He wore a condom, I never would've allowed it if he didn't.  And the second rule was mine that he was talking about.   I don't kiss when someone has been drinking.  When i was there and talking to him i could tell he had drank but it wasn't fresh like it'd been earlier in the day.  Which was fine by me.  

So yes, right now I'm ok with not knowing and with finishing some steps with my new sponsor and him mentioning more inventories we can do i can be better equipped for my next relationship no matter if it's nate or not.  

Thanksgiving and other weirdness with my family.

I haven't been feeling super well the past few days so i didn't make any plans for thanksgiving.  But i knew that if i did stay home and do nothing, like i wanted, that i probably would have felt worse.  So i talked to my mom and asked what she was doing and she said she was going to my brother wesleys. I talked to him and asked if i could come and he said yes.  I asked if i could bring anything and he said drinks.  I went out to my mothers the night before and decided to spend the night.  We watched tv and went to ponderosa to eat.  Nothing spectacular.  So my cell phone doesn't get service in Gowanda so I have to actually leave the town to get even a tiny bit of service.   Like it's not even low service.  The moment i get cross the town line and big red X shows up where the cell service gauge is.  I got a few happy thanksgivings and replied and sent a few myself then went to mcdonalds for breakfast and coffee for me and my mom.  I found out that dinner wasn't until 4.  We usually have dinner at 1 so all i thought was that my whole day is ruined.  My brother isn't that great at doing ANYTHING on time so we didn't have dinner til closer to five.  And it was just awkward for me.  I've been awkward around my family for years.  i talked to my sponsor and told him what was going through my head and a few other things and he thinks we should sit down and talk about it.  I absolutely agree.  One of the things that made me uncomfortable was that over the summer when i took my mom to the rolling stones concert my brother said he and his wife would think about going.   The deal was that if I bought my moms ticket and they bought their own that they'd take her.  I didn't necessarily want to go.  Well they never got back to me so on the day the tickets went on sale i bought two and i ended up taking her.   We actually had a good time.  My mom hates strangers more than I do and she was talking to the guy next to her and the lady behind us.  Well since that whole thing went down my brother and I haven't exchanged many words since.  So part of that was going through my head but honestly i know it was me that was making myself uncomfortable.  I ended up bailing as soon as i could after dinner and made my way back to my apartment and was kind of ok for the most part.  I was as ok as i could be with the stuff that's going on in my life.  Cut to Saturday night/Sunday morning at 130AM and me going over to Nates to watch charmed.  I'll write more about that in the next entry because right now i just don't have it in me to re hash it right now.  

New Laptop..

Lately i've been spending money like i got it like that..  Well i've been spending credit.  It's ok i can pay it all back eventually when i go back to work.  No biggie.  I don't know where nate and I stand seeing as we slept together the other night a week after deciding to just be friends.  I was hopeful something would happen but never actually expected it.  The best part about it was he had his head buried in the bed under my arm and very lightly said "I missed this."  It took me a few seconds to soak in the face that he said that and i whispered to him "me too."  My new sponsor has posed some questions to me regarding nate and I like the idea of him and i do have feelings towards the guy.  If things don't work out between us I can see he and I being good friends.  But things can also work out in my favor for a relationship.  FYI I am NOT good at relationships.  Writing a fourth step sex inventory made that crystal clear.  Actually while i was writing it i wanted to cry a few times.  One night i had to stop or i thought i would get super depressed.  On the bright side one of my motivations to go to the gym was to get nate to notice.   HE DID.  I enjoyed our time together and I enjoyed the closeness and I'm doing my best not to fuck up.