At first he was perfect.. Then after some stuff we had "the conversation." Even though it ended, his heart was in the right place. He doesn't do well in relationships. Fuck, even i'm not good at them. But i wanted to at least try with him. Maybe we need more time. We were together too fast. We both know this. I even felt uneasy by the fact that when i had a bad day i felt i "needed" him. We talked about how we made each other feel and that probably wasn't good. He made me feel amazing and when we were together he made the rest of the world disappear. He said he felt amazing when we spent our time together. After the first week of us hanging out he even went shopping for a new couch (the old one is terribly uncomfortable) so that we could do cute couply stuff on the couch. Sappy i know but terribly cute. To paraphrase and make a long story short, he ended it to save me. He broke up with his last boyfriend because he was mean to him. I felt bad he didn't even really give "us" a shot but i respected his decision. I asked him if it was a done deal and he reluctantly said yes. I told him then he didn't need to hear what i wanted to say because the only reason i would say anything is to try to manipulate him to change his mind. He feels his connections with his friends are better and takes those in higher regard than his romantic relationships.
I want to blame myself but I can't. At least not fully. Everything played out in its exact order in its exact time for a reason. I know more today that everything happens for a reason and over the past month that message solidified itself in my life. EVERYTHING and EVERYONE helps make me a stronger better me for whatever i'm getting set up for in life. a few other reminders i've gotten for life
-My plan isn't good enough
-prayers are ALWAYS answered
-Stay in today
-Be less of a shitbag than you were yesterday
I'm not down on myself, really. I'm seriously not. I can say i'm a little down on where my life and actions have gotten me right now. But countless other times in my past have i thought this is the biggest thing to happen in my life and seeing now looking back on it was like it needed to happen.
Some advice that i got from an old timer about the situation today (he's gone through everything i'm going through) that i could and should apply to things that are going on. IT WAS A GIFT.
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