It's a sad sad day when I post something like this...=(

Did it peak your interest... Good!!

I am: thinking very few people will read this
I was: thinking about working out
I will be: sitting here not working out
I do: the best I'm willing to do
I did: work this morning
I didn't: clean my fish tank.. or fish stank
I can: 'nuff said
I can't: stop
I will: with help
I won't: do it alone
I might: with the best intention do the wrong thing
I wouldn't: hurt you on purpose
I shouldn't: do what I want
I should: listen more often
I could: go for a 5 shot non fat latte
I would: hate to see you go
I have: learned to live with it
I haven't: been perfect
I want: what I have
I miss: the good ol days
I used to: rule the world
I gave up: ruling
I like: that I am someone you like
I love: warm places
I need: 2 forms of love
I have to: wake up to the reality I've created
I don't like: bubble baths.. haha
I hate: trying
I wish: you could have all the things you've ever needed and some of the things you've always wanted.

if you read it.. post a comment.. Thanx.

Do I wanna be philisophical, theoretical, or umm.. not.

Everything happens for a reason..?? I do thoroughly believe that, yes. Do I want it to be true? Only when it works out in my favor. Come on, I'm just being honest. Not only does it totally suck to come to that realization (fun new way of saying epiphany) with my life's speed bumps, but then I talk to people and things get pointed out to me. There's been times in my life when I want to forget the "bad" things and just move on. (Ok let me say something first.. I don't necessarily believe this is a bad thing, but it does suck) But even that is a thought that centered around just me. What if he does just need time to think?? Right now I'm just chock full of "what if's." As for now it's the waiting game. I wanted to just move on and be in control of the situation but it was pointed out that maybe I need to wait too. BUZZKILL. It's not a full on heart pain. I don't nearly know him well enough to have that. It's more of a dull ache. I want a normal, stable guy.. cute helps too but normal and stable is key. ONE DATE!!!! If your keeping up on this rant then you know what that means.. go back a few days and read it.. or feel free to re-read the entire account of the date and the events the followed. But today.. Today..?? Today I'm fogged... or would it be befogged?? Tay would know. Either way you know what I mean. You know those things football players use to pretend tackle?? That's what I feel like I'm doing but it's not moving. Tomorrow will be better..

Possibly the last letter... We'll see..

(We started talking again only end up not talking again. This is the last message I've sent to him.)

I don't get why this feels like it's not gonna go in the right direction, but here goes. I'm not even angry.. just confused. I don't know why you thought I was on a date. when you said "ooo who's the boy" i thought you were referring to what I'd texted you earlier that day when I said the girls at work wanted to meet you. Because that was the reply from you hours after that last message. Then i said huh and you said "the one your with" and I assumed you were referring to yourself and I said yup. Then got confused even more so when you told me to "enjoy". then said my date.

I'm so confused by this entire situation and it just doesn't help that the only communication we have and do lately is text. I don't even know if this it's the texts that have you not talking to me again but that's all I really got since I haven't heard from you.

I'm willing to do and try a lot of things.. I really wanted to see where this could go. A second date.. preferable. But there's gotta be some compromise.. There just has to. I get that your busy, and I admire that your organized and make and keep your commitments. But on my side I feel like I'm the only one trying to make it to the second date. I'm merely stating how I feel. C***.. I like you I really do. But this situation drives me crazy.. I wanted to talk.. I still want to talk. I guess I just still don't get you. If you find the the time to even make it this far into this message then I'd love to hear from you. Even if it's just to hear you say let's be friends, or you just aren't interested.. But, from my point of view, to just stop talking to me again, just kinda blows.

I'm not even sure if this helps the situation but it can't very well hurt it anymore. I won't text/call again until i hear from you... if i hear from you. but.. I hope I do.

A date, a Mistake, and not enough time in the day..

So what did I get out of this entire experience.. I'm not ready to date.. I take most of the responsibility for the mistake. I eluded to him not wanting to talk to me. I had a bad morning and the night before I was almost used to not talking and we sent a few texts back and forth to each other 2 each to be exact about how he dozed off and I replied with something generic, and he said something else and I said something else then that was it. He did text me randomly one night to ask me if I was awake. What did I fail to see?? WE ONLY WENT ON ONE DATE!!!! ONE!!!! THAT'S IT!!!! One of the things I saw today online yahoo dating advice.. stupid me decided to read it and one of the things that it said was "is he TOO into you??" and then went on to explain that if right away he's too into you then once your dating he's not that into you he was probably more interested in the chase and conquer rather than an actual relationship. For me that wasn't it. I guess I wanted to do what he didn't wanna do. Attempt rushing into something. The conclusion I've come to (knowing what I know, and doing what I do) was that if it were meant to be then it would be. No questions asked. I can't dwell, and I can't beat myself up. A few major lessons I've taken into account is that I need to take responsibility for my actions though it isn't always ALL my fault, everything can't be done in my time, sorry doesn't undo everything, and it's not all about me. We went on ONE DATE!!! Why am I still beating myself up?? I don't like the feeling that something that I thought could have been good and I let my stupid thinking run it/him away. Sorry didn't fix it though i don't believe it was totally my fault. If you know poker terms.. I was pot committed before the hand was dealt. That's really the best analogy I could come up with on short notice. Either way I'm pretty sure its over and done with.. And because i've been doing what i do and obsessing about it I deleted his phone number and texts, and i'm done too. I sent one last message earlier saying "I'm not sure how to ask if it was over before it started without it sounding bad but at least let me have the courtesy of knowing." not that i deserve that much or maybe I do.. I don't know. Maybe in the long run I was saved from something.. or he was saved from something, or even more semi-horrific and negative... maybe we were saved from each other. Or maybe it was supposed to happen so I'll know how to better treat "the one" and/or value him. But yeah I'm done for now.. on a totally brighter note I went to the under armour store today and got a new under armour jacket for 75 bucks. It's really light and I'm cold in it but it looks fantastic.. haha.. style before comfort.. had to have a happy homo moment..