Progress not Perfection...

Letting go and going with the flow is hard.  Since I was a kid I needed to be one step ahead, always.  I needed to know what was going to happen next.  Later on, I found out that the reason I needed that so much was so I could manipulate it to take care of my own needs.  These days it's a whole different story.  When I think about it, I don't try to fix my own problems.  Well in a sense I do try.  But in trying what I do is ask for help.  I ask people in my life for help with what goes on with me.  Now dealing with other people is outside of my scope.  I hate being stuck between two points.   Not exactly neutral but wanting to know one or other other.  I mean like knowing whats going to happen next or being better off not knowing.  Life is experience and it's those experiences that help us grow, right.  No one said it was going to be easy.  Actually, no one said anything about the whole deal at all.

I don't know where I'm going with this I really don't..  just a rant I guess.. 

Trust:   Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Faith:  Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
Suffering:  pain in a broad sense, is an individual's basic affective experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with harm or threat of harm. Suffering may be qualified as physical or mental.
Suspicion:  A feeling or thought that something is possible, likely, or true.
Integrity:  The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

I don't quite see myself as suffering other than when I put myself through it.  The best way I can put it is my thinking causes suffering because the idea of loss in trust, and loss in faith by questioning their integrity.  Because..  (here's the kicker) I'm not in control and I don't know everything.

Let go.. 

Everything happens the way it's meant to happen despite me.

I'm not in control...

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information,
   which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail
   to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is
   contempt prior to investigation." 

This entire entry was written for one person...  Me.  I can vent in my blogs.   Sometimes my entries are just for me.  Though I know it's connected to my twitter and no privacy on it so it can be viewed by anyone, which is what I was reminded of recently by my new "friend".  


Me:
I make mistakes
I can try to do my best though there are times even that may be too much
I will try to never judge, though I may do just that accidentally
Even when I have the best intentions I may do the wrong thing
When I'm wrong it might sometimes be hard to say but I'll try


**Like usual this entry totally went in a direction I didn't mean for it to..  Originally it was titled "going with the flow"  I guess in a weird way it's still that but the new title fits better.**

Muffins of course...

I don't know what it is about working out and baking that gets me all fired up but.. I made muffins.. like usual.

I used a box of jiffy Golden yellow cake mix (following the directions), and added half a can of apple pie filling (used my Pampered Chef Chopper to make it look like apple pie filling from mcdonalds, you know what i'm sayin), half a can of pumpkin pie stuff, and 3/4 of a package of sugar free cheesecake pudding... I also used three sprinkles of cinnamon, one sprinkle of ginger, and one sprinkle of clove. Now to make tarts or torts.. one of the two, PC gave me this little wooden thing to make indents in.. Well I also have Cream cheese frosting so I'm gonna make an indent in the muffins and put some cream cheese frosting in that bad boy.. Trophy wife/trophy husband.. potato.. po-tah-to.. right?? You want one?? I'll post pics online..

2 for 1 today... My birthday wish list....

So with the impending doom of my childhood years aka my 20's.. I turn the big 3 0... There's so much more I wanted to do when I was in my 20's.. I can't think of any of that now but I'm sure somewhere there was something I wanted to do. Now I have one month and 17 days to complete it all. But with that incredibly short list that I can't remember I think it's all over and done with. Oh yeah birthday presents..

I just realized I don't really have a list of things I want for my birthday.
I like the thoughtful things I get from people.
Today isn't about what I have but who..

So if you don't know enough about me then here's more maybe you could sift through and find something that might suit the occasion. Nothing at all is ok too.

I workout, I drive a car, I like to cook, I like to have things that save space and time but rarely use them, I'm a medium or small large size shirt, I like mostly leatherish bracelets but lose them, i have algae eaters, I like sugar free monsters or 2x rockstars, and that's all i got..

It might be a weak post but guess what F.U. If you don't like it don't read it. =P

Insanity workout and Chocolate Milk and TV

Ok.. So I started the insanity workout October 24th. And if I follow it exactly (I accidentally did the wrong workout one day already) then I'll be done on Christmas day. Well I take a fit test on Christmas day to see what happened n 9 weeks. Do you know what takes place between now and Christmas day. I have 1 big event coming, 1 I won't say small but just other event coming, Thanksgiving, my birthday, then Christmas. So I started to think this might be the wrong time to do this workout but then I was like fuck that... this might be the perfect time. I do a fit test every two weeks to see what the results are. P.S. I slightly pulled my back.. (slightly that I couldn't stand or sit but felt better when I stretched and worked out). But it's not really all that bad. I get super sweaty and I feel like a million dollars after. I guess it helps that I was running at least 5 miles a day every day all summer and working out. So doing this particular workout and lifting goes together. BTW.. I CAN'T STOP EATING!! I just can't.. When I do a hard cardio workout and do a lot of lifting I'm pretty sure I could eat all day long.. I actually sometimes have to drive somewhere just to get out of the house to stop eating. **

On the information it says after the workout I should drink is the recovery drink. Umm.. I didn't even spend money to do the workout let alone spending 120 bucks A MONTH for the recovery drink. So what did I do? Went to my old friend google. There's people everywhere that wanna get out of spending money why not this? So I typed in the recipe and found a guy that replied with this for that question:

"Chocolate milk is the best. I know there will probably be some skeptics out there. However, if you Google chocolate milk for workout recovery, you will see tons of studies done on it. It has got the protein you need and the simple carbs you need after a workout. The perfect protein to carb ratio."

SOLD!!!

**Backtracking** I at least eat healthy when I go on a hunger rampage..

Lastly what have I been watching on TV?? I think I might have mentioned what I watched before but in the past couple weeks that's changed a bit. There's a guy that I guess has become a really good friend lately so If you have my twitter then you know his name probably already. Anyway, we hangout all the time and we watch these shows together and with my roommates. The only reason I mention him is that I probably wouldn't have gotten into some of the shows but he was really amped about some of em and in the end I ended up getting hooked on them too..

1. American Horror Story - all of a sudden there's too many dead people but still definitely worth watching
2. Beavis and Butthead - they weren't funny before but now.. totally funny.
3. Glee - still a fav and I like how the story is starting to include the winners of "the glee project" (though i didn't watch that show I still like to know what's going on)
4. Once upon a time - I'm gonna give it a good shot but for some reason I think it's gonna crash and burn.
5. Grimm - I dig it.. But I loved/love charmed and Buffy so a guy stalking monsters... yeah totally up my alley.
6. New Girl - Hate the intro but love all the characters and it's HILARIOUS
7. Dance moms - Even though the season is over, it was a good season. Even my roommates liked to watch this, they said for the MILF's (Once in a while they'd blow their cover by remembering a dance so-and-so did and how they are better than so-and-so.. MILF's my ass...)
8. Russian Dolls - Jersey shore Russian style.. All the girls are catty.. the guys are pretty good looking but not much of the show is based on them.. it's all good.
9. Good vibes - haven't actually watched it yet but the commercials look funny so it's being DVR'd

Did my workout for the day.. no weights today so I'm done.. Job hunting and oooh I'm doing pampered chef stuff at a bazaar at the Native American Community Services this weekend. Let's see how this goes..