One of those moments on one of those days...

There comes a time and place when at some point every person should think, "I was wrong." There was a 19 yr old that I went on a few dates with back in February. Now to start, that's totally not my style but it was about the time i decided no matter what I'm if they wanna go on a date I'd go just because what I wanted turned out to be not what I wanted. We hung out 3 times. Our first date was Spot Coffee.. He kept looking around the room.. I didn't think he was interested. The second date which surprised me was he went to the movies with me. Didn't touch me ... I think our arms touched once. Well 3rd date was a movie at my apartment. We cuddled and ended up kissing and "stuff" and I told him I didn't think he was interested. He replied with "when we went to Spot you made me nervous. And when we were at the movies you didn't touch me. I kept telling my friend I didn't think YOU were interested." I told him how at the movies I wanted to hold his hand and this is where it all ended.. He made the mistake of trying to be cute-sy with me. He said "awww.. I'll hold your hand now..." and proceeded to hold my hand. I didn't think there was any coming back from that until recently.

Out of the blue yesterday I decided to text him and see if it was still his phone number and give it another shot. Cause hey.. he was totally pretty.. way gay.. but also totally pretty. So he replied and we started talking. This is the kicker.. I have insecurities.. My physical insecurities are the worst.

Backtracking....

Since I was a kid I've always been the almost chubby kid. even through middle and high school I always weighed at least 210. I was never really happy with the way I looked yet did nothing about it. In January of 2010 I decided I wanted it to be a brand new year. My jumping off point was I changed all the food I ate and almost immediately lost fifteen pounds. I was happy with the results. So next step obviously was to start working out. I went to a gym and talked with a woman there and she told me I can lose weight by working out. So I totally didn't buy a membership but instead started investing money into weights. I started out slowly in my room and slowly accumulating more stuff. In the summers I run. This summer I'm up to four miles a day (which reminds me I still have to go today) and in the winter I workout.. Fall and Spring I do both as a transition. As of today I'm 178 pounds.. ish. I wear better clothes, I'm athletic.. yet sometimes in my head I'm still the chubby kid I've always been. Some insecurities take longer than others..

Done backtracking...

So as we're talking I tell him "I look a little different since you last saw me.. I lost a little bit more weight." he replied with "I never really thought you needed to." I slammed on the brakes... He actually liked me for me.. The kicker?? He's now seeing someone but still wants to hang out as friends..

The 20 yr old that I was hanging out with for a while I finally got rid of him today.. I keep deleting him on foursquare and he keeps re-adding me. I asked "really.." and he replied. I asked why and he said why do you keep deleting me. I told him we don't talk or hangout anymore. He says "you hangout or talk to EVERYONE on your foursquare." I said "No but you and I did and we don't anymore, so what's the point." He called me a baby. If it was wrong or not of me to say this I'm not sure but it was what I'm feeling. I said "ok.. you want the big boy description... I lost interest in you. We have no friendship and the only communication we have is when you comment on my check-ins on foursquare. So to re-iterate.. What's the point?" He stopped talking to me. The funny thing is I'm 29 years old. I'm gonna be 30 in december and I have this 2o yr old in charge of me. He'd say yes lets hang out and I'd drive my happy ass 40 minutes to pick him up and bring him to my apartment only for him to say when we could and couldn't talk and/or hangout. I had no say in it.. I liked him and I let him take me to that point.

I'm a goodlooking guy, with a job, a car, an apartment, I pay my bills, and I don't need that. I really don't.. I'm an adult. The even funnier thing is that I still want to apologize yet I think my heart is telling me I'm better off without him.

The one guy I didn't want because of a simple act and stopped seeing liked me for me, and the one guy I wanted to be with I never figured out. I don't know if he wanted to be with me or if that would even work.

These two situations made me think a lot. Then last night happened. A few months ago I had a friend who I saw once at wegmans and I was wearing my old work uniform and dodged him cuz well I looked like crap. He's cute.. ok he's kinda hot and I always assumed out of my league. I talked to him online and he found out I ran and wanted to run with me. He became my running buddy. We only went a few times and one night he invited me over for a movie. Nothing happened. Well last night I didn't think much of it but we talked and I was gonna see if he wanted to watch a movie since we hadn't hung out in a while. I told him at one point I wanted to cuddle and he said "as long as your just cuddling and keep your hands where they should be you can come over..." I told him yes. Then he said I could spend the night.. I told him OK.. We kissed and cuddled and had a good time.. I had to work today so I got there around 12:30 and left his house at 6:15 this morning. Still kinda tired but worth it. Let's see where this goes if anything at all.. Maybe it won't go anywhere and it was just two friends who needed some affection... I def enjoyed myself though...

Quote of the day.. "We are the makers of our own misery."

So the question of the day is as follows.. Are things working out the way their supposed to or are they working out the way that I want them to?? And, is that one in the same or no? It seemed to me that things were working out the way I wanted them to which totally made me happy. I was let go from a job that I kind of wanted to get away from for months. It made me happy.. I haven't been this happy in a long time. What happens.. The funds started to get low and I was reminded.. I'd be taken care of.. No not a creepy daddy type, sicko. A friend. Well I get a new job that may be a job that I wanted but is it for me or am I settling. Am I limiting myself just because of my financial insecurities? I don't know. That's what's been bothering me. We are the makers of our own misery. Is there something better that I'm shutting off because this job that I have is simpler and was easier to obtain. Or is it the job I'm meant to have? It's not permanent.. It's a stupid serving job. Though it is something I enjoy doing. I enjoy talking to people. It's like putting on a small production with every table. I think I like the attention too. "This is your captain speaking... Just listen to everything I have to say and we'll land safely." Sometimes it's totally demeaning but then there are the times when it's all worthwhile. I've said it before and I'll say it again.. It brings back my faith in people. Money doesn't rule the world though the power of it can't be dismissed. If I wait on a table that doesn't leave me a tip but was a total joy to take care of I'm OK with that. It also points out to me that I don't have people figured out. In the light of I can go to a table and because some people are just jackasses and don't know how to interact with human beings that I'm gonna get a shitty tip. Their just hard people... Sometimes I'm not the nicest guy.. I'm just not. I don't have an intention on coming off as a dick. I don't attempt to even be an ass. But sometimes I do come off that way. So back to what we started with. Surrender or not? I guess we'll know when the time comes. Also, ask and you shall receive has surfaced. There's more info on the job that I have now that might just make this an OK gig. No worries about tomorrow. I have direction.. I have guidance.. I have people that care about me.. I'm loved.. The things I want aren't the things that are missing in my life.

I have everything I need...

Tomorrow will be a good day...